Co-Author: Pratibha Kujur

I believe that some people are more complete than others. The thing that demarcates them from the rest is their level of consciousness. But nobody’s perfect.

As social beings, we all need each other to survive in society. However some beings think that they are self-sufficient and will never require help from others. So they fail to understand the importance of nurturing a good relationship. These people persistently act in some or all of these manipulative ways: pressurize people with constant demands, criticize constantly, spread undermining rumors, make poisonous remarks that gives inferiority complex or feelings of guiltiness, deceive or steal, consciously damage things that can be valuable to others, prevent others to live their life in their own ways, etc…

In short, it seems as if they have taken birth with the sole purpose to “torment” us.

Right now, you might be remembering someone with these characteristics, such as your boss, your neighbor or anyone else from your personal sphere. In general, though these people appear to achieve happiness by turning you down, they are in fact just acting this way due to their conditioning. And  most of the times they do this based on the fears they have, such as fear of being unloved, fear of being ignored or fear of being humiliated, just to name a few . It can even be a case of mental disorders where a person actually needs help.

Yes, behind that “bad boss” who is a control freak, there can be just a fragile person with little awareness that his behavior is ultimately being driven by a terrible fear of being humiliated if “caught” with something beyond his control. All of us, at some point of our lives, have developed similar strategies to attract the attention of other people so as not to stay isolated “in the jungle”.  The problem arises when these fears start to dominate a person, and with his/her “toxic behaviors”, he/she begins to infect others around him/her.

Have you ever felt annoyed towards an annoying person, angry towards an angry person or afraid of a person that was frightening you? This is normal because the process of evolution has wired our brains with the ability to feel what other people can feel.  Because of this capability, we must be very careful from those around us since their behavior has a direct impact on our health and well-being. Emotions are contagious.

So what do you think can we do about such a type of person? Should we try to change him/her? I strongly believe not. There is only one person whom we can change: ourselves. Then should we turn into a “punching bag” for the other to vent his/her anger, pessimism, constant need to complain, etc..?”  Of course not.

One option that we always have is the choice of selecting our relationships, so as not to “feed in” poisonous behaviors. To be able to make better choices, change yourself by increasing your level awareness. Focus on people whom you really like, the ones who make you feel happy or in peace when you are near them. Those persons with whom you can be your true self, spontaneous and who make you laugh. And what about those people whom your heart doesn’t feel so much empathy? Are they really a “hopeless case”, or can you look at them with a “fresh” pair of eyes?

An increased level of awareness will open up your mind; it will help you see more options to choose. It has been said by a very well known author that “with better awareness you can make better choices, and with better choices you can get to better results”… So in order to feel more complete, healthier and happier, simply increase your awareness!

Photo credits: http://morguefile.com/

Although the parenting journey is typically paved with good intentions, the roadmap can be hampered by ambiguity, uncertainty and parents’ own issues. These forces dig deep into decision-making, leaving impact for better, or perhaps, for worse. Unsure of direction, some parents demand extreme loyalty to their wishes, prohibit acceptable forms of self-expression, or reject children’s independence when conflicts arise with parental values. Not wanting to yield to children’s need for autonomy, parents who “over steer” place stunting controls upon friendships, activities, routines, and other areas.

Children’s identity formation requires parents gradually relieve the pressure to strictly conform and widen the parameters for autonomous functioning. This is critical for future psychological health. Consider these points when calibrating your parenting compass:

Refrain from “directional parenting” when possible.

Although it’s tempting to rigidly map out your child’s social and activity life for both personal and practical reasons, the results can be problematic from the standpoint of psychological development. Later in life, these children are prone to follow the will of others or have problems with personal commitments and self-awareness. While it is critical to supply guidance, childhood is a time to safely discover themselves. They need freedom to determine their likes, dislikes, and aspirations, apart from what parents want for them.

Loving guidance also means knowing when to let them make their own decisions.

Even young children need to feel free to express and be granted social choices and after school activity preferences, and to decide on some school matters. Knowing parents recognize when to withhold their opinion and give children the latitude to make acceptable mistakes that contain valuable life lessons. Alternately, the feelings of satisfaction and self-determination that comes from following their own growing discretion advances character development.

Take inventory of personal issues or they may act as blinders.

Some adults have ego wounds or attachment needs that motivate their parenting decisions. For example, rather than suffer the embarrassment of their child not wearing the latest clothing or engaging in socially sanctioned activities, they don’t allow children’s input and make decisions for them. Parents may also speak for their children to ensure that they don’t utter the “wrong” response. Some parents justify decisions to curtail separation or independence because the child is “not old enough” when it is the parent that is unprepared for these steps toward emotional self-sufficiency.

Recognize the importance of changing standards and larger goals as children age.

It is critically important for parents to lower the bar in some areas while raising the bar of expectations in others. For example, earlier requirements for an orderly room give way to rules for schoolwork, safety, and openness. Letting go of parental pet peeves provides room for them to self-navigate and contend with the consequences of their actions or inaction. By limiting reminders and rescuing we allow life experience to teach longstanding lessons.

Dr. Steven Richfield is an author and child psychologist in Plymouth Meeting. He has developed a child-friendly, self-control/social skills building program called Parent Coaching Cards now in use in thousands of homes and schools throughout the world. His book, “The Parent Coach: A New Approach To Parenting In Today’s Society,” is available through Sopris West (sopriswest.com or 1-800-547-6747) He can be contacted at director@parentcoachcards.com or 610-238-4450. To learn more, visit www.parentcoachcards.com

Photo credits: http://morguefile.com/

Co-Author: Pratibha Kujur

Many of you, presently reading this article must be having the feeling that “in my life, there is hardly anything positive.” If some of you do so, then I ask you a question: have you really been paying attention to the good and beautiful things happening every day around you? There’s no denial about the fact that, in our lives there are difficult moments but at the same time, there are so many good things which we fail to notice. We never care to stop for a moment and enjoy, despite the fact that we have the highest technology at our disposal to do this: our senses.

There are several theories about the number of senses we have, but I will use the one by Daniel J. Siegel, which argues that we have eight senses: the “normal” five, the intuition that is transmitted by our bodily signs (heart, intestines, etc…), the ability to watch our thoughts (called Mindsight) and finally, the ability to feel connected to others and to what surrounds us.

I suggest that you try the following experiment to awaken your senses: one of these days go to an outdoor place, in nature, such as a public park or anywhere else where you feel good, above all. Once there, start taking a “tour” with your eight senses.

• Start by focusing on what you see. Notice the colors, the contrasts in light. Look at the trees, people, animals, flowers … What colors do you have around you? Look for details that you have never noticed before. Allow yourself to observe, without any concrete objective, or any mental formulation.
• After a few minutes I suggest that you focus on what is coming to your ears. If you wish, close your eyes to focus more easily. What are the sounds that come to your ear? Can you hear the wind? Can you hear the laughter of children? Focus on that bird chirping in the background or other sounds of nature. Can you hear in “between the sounds”? Can you hear the silence?
• Now shift to sense of the touch. What do you feel on your skin? If you are lying on the grass, for example, how does it feel like to be in contact with it? Then pick up something at hand, for example a dry leaf, feather, pebble etc… Gently handle that object. How does the object feel like? Does it have a rough texture, a nice feel or a sticky one? Or is it something that you can’t even classify using words?
• Then concentrate on the sense of smell. Try to sense whatever the wind brings. What smells and odors can you identify? Are they pleasant or unpleasant? Try to “unveil” a pleasant smell in the middle of the “multitude” of stimuli that reach you. Move, for example, near a flower. Can you “navigate” with its perfume?
• Then bring your attention to the palate. What is the main taste in your mouth? Does it taste like coffee or like gum or nothing special? If you have something you can eat, try to crack a tiny bit and enjoy the taste. Imagine that you are a professional chef, trying to guess the ingredients present in the food.
• Now focus on your body, in the area of the heart. Can you feel it beating? How is the pace? And your breath how is it? Is it fast, slow? Are you breathing through area of the chest or in the abdominal area? And how is the rest of the body? Do a sort of “check up” starting from your head to your toes, and try to find how your hands, feet, shoulders, intestines, etc … feel like. Are there any sources of tension? Just notice them.
• After touring your body, shift your attention on the ability to watch your thoughts. Close your eyes and concentrate on what comes to your mind. What are the thoughts that come to you? Wait patiently and observe, like a cat outside a mouse’s hole. Where do they appear from? Where do they go after? Try “cataloging” them, with labels like “image”, “memory”, “sound”, “concern”, etc.. Try not to get carried away. Just watch them. If you get lost somewhere, do not worry, because as soon as you notice it, you are no longer lost. Simply return to the observation.
• Ultimately, get to the last sense. Try to feel the links that surrounds you. Imagine that you are part of a giant puzzle and try to see how your piece “fits” and touches those around you, whether they are people, nature or society in general. What is your role in this puzzle? What are your links with the world?

By doing this exercise you will probably come to the conclusion that life is immense. Sometimes we simply need to step back and look at Life, flirt with it and feel it with all our senses. You will then definitely realize that many of the things that we see as problems are just brief “strokes” in a much larger backdrop.

By the way, do you ever observe your children on how they use their senses? Don’t they have a much deeper ability to use them? For once, instead of guiding your kids, choose to follow how they marvel at their surroundings!

So be aware, be mindful, and flirt with life with all your senses.

Photo credits: http://morguefile.com/

Is your diet heavy in breads, pastas, and baked goods?  If so, and you’re suffering from digestive problems, they may be the cause.  These days, we hear more and more about gluten and how it is wreaking havoc on the health of so many people.  In addition, there are millions of people who have gone undiagnosed with sensitivities or intolerances to gluten and who suffer because of them.

Gluten is a pair of associated proteins in grains such as wheat, rye, barley, spelt and kamut that gives foods an elastic texture.  When someone carries a genetic variant of the gene for celiac disease (CD, HLA DQ2 or HLA DQ8), they are more susceptible to the health problems associated with eating gluten.  For starters, gluten triggers an autoimmune response that over time, destroys the lining of the intestine.  This damage then prevents the intestines from absorbing nutrients from food.

But the effects in the body are not limited to the gut.  The autoimmune reaction initiated by gluten also creates systemic inflammation within the body.  In fact, the New England Journal of Medicine published a review indicating that eating gluten can cause over 50 diseases, including osteoporosis, irritable bowel syndrome, inflammatory bowel disease, anemia, cancer, rheumatoid arthritis, lupus, multiple sclerosis and other autoimmune diseases.  Even migraine headaches can be triggered by gluten.  It makes you wonder whether eating bread and pasta is worth the price to pay!

People with gluten sensitivity may suffer similar symptoms, but may not show positive results in a blood test for CD.  Therefore, the best way to determine if gluten is causing health problems is to follow an elimination diet for several weeks and see if the symptoms subside.

Here is a list of foods to avoid if you know or suspect that you are sensitive or intolerant to gluten.  What you may be surprised to find by scanning through this list is how many foods actually contain gluten.  For example, soy sauce contains wheat but a wheat-free alternative is tamari.  Depending on where they’re made, hydrolyzed vegetable protein or starch, miso, natural flavorings, caramel color, dextrin, and artificial color may need to be eliminated too.  To truly avoid all sources of gluten, it takes a lot of detective work.

Eliminating gluten doesn’t have to mean that the days of eating baked goods or pasta are over.  There are a number of flours made with non-gluten-containing grains that can be used as substitutes.  Bob’s Red Mill Gluten-free flour is made with a combination of flours and starches from garbanzo bean, potato, tapioca, white sorghum, and fava beans.   For baking, a small amount of xanthan gum is added to the mixture.  Additional flours include buckwheat, coconut flour, and nut flours such as almond.

Pastas are available that are made from rice, quinoa, mung beans and potato.   It’s simply a matter of finding them in your local area or over the internet.  Amazon.com actually has a gluten-free store online where you can find flours, baking mixes, and pasta.  A word of caution though:  Just because something is gluten-free does not necessarily mean it’s healthy.  A highly-processed, gluten-free product is still processed.  Overall, the best and healthiest way to lead a life free from gluten is to eat a diet rich in fruits and vegetables, clean sources of protein, healthy fats, and gluten-free grains.

Here is a recipe for pancakes using Bob’s Red Mill flour and xanthan gum.  It’s a recipe that was simply converted by switching the flour and the results are amazing.

For a healthy flour-free “pasta”, use a vegetable peeler to shave long strips of raw zucchini.  Toss with a light dressing then top with your favorite sauce, vegetables, grain or legumes.  Here’s an easy warm chickpea salad over zucchini pasta that’s light and tasty.

Because we do not communicate with words only

We communicate in many different shapes and sizes – through gestures, glances, symbols, words, etc… Our society evolved because we were able to impart knowledge and create new one based on the existing one. Our education system is based on the assumption that information is being transmitted and, therefore, we learn to speak and to use language.
Currently, there are dozens of courses that offer to train people to communicate in a better way but are generally focused only on the emitter of information and little or no responsibilities are assigned to the receiver. Most of these trainings are associated with expressions such as “persuasion”, “sales”, etc… and few,  focus on teaching us how to listen.

Even in biological terms we have two ears and one mouth, but there are only few people who use these “devices” in that proportion. Most tend to talk the double amount of what they actually listen. Ever wondered why there are only few people who are concerned with hearing but so many who want to be heard? Have you ever spoken to someone who was just “faking” to listen, with the blank eyes, stare and distant, which revealed that he/she was thinking about some other thing than what is being said? And have you ever come across someone and had the impression that what he was saying did not fit very well with what trying to convey? This is related to the discrepancy between the verbal (or digital), dominated by the left side of our brain, and non-verbal language (or analog) decoded predominantly on the right side. Traditionally, women have a greater ability to repair these discrepancies, and are often said to be holding a 6th sense.

So, how to cultivate the power to listen carefully then? The first step is to be aware of our need to talk. Before doing so, ask yourself if what you are about to say:

-    Is really bringing value to the person or to the talk in general
-    Or is it just your need for attention, to want to “show up”
-    Or is it to cover the silence and the fear that it causes.

Then, comes the time to listen. This is the moment when you need to “dominate” the will to speak. And here, this does not mean just hearing the words that the other is saying. You also need to feel the tone of his voice, his gestures and his posture.

In addition to holding back your wish to speak and “hear” more than just the words that the other is telling us, it is also important to us to hear our own bodies. Did you know that we have in our intestines the equivalent amount of neurons that exist in the brain of a cat? And that our heart also has an independent network of neurons, sending information to the brain even more than they receive from it? It would be wise then, the next time when you feel some tightness in the stomach or a stab in the heart when you talk to someone, to “listen” to the advice of your body as it may be giving you some kind of clue about the precious message from the other person.

Other indicators are related to the movement of blood. Have you noticed that when you feel afraid your blood flow to the legs, as if to prepare the body for an escape? And that when you are angry the same blood flows into the hands, as if to prepare the body to fight? Notice where your blood flows the next time someone is trying to sell you something which you might not be interested in.

In short, if you are with someone and  really want to hear each other, then stop talking for a moment (even inside your brain), listen to his/her words, his/her tone of voice and to his/her body language and, above all, listen to YOURSELF. Be fully present to the other, giving him/her one of the most precious things that you have: your attention. Do not expect or look out for anything. Just listen, be totally present. This is how you will actually hear something new.

Remember that, many conflicts between parents and children mostly happen because of communication gap.  If you learn to hear “actually” what your kid wants to communicate to you, you will be able to understand your child’s needs in a better way and create a bond that can last forever.

Photo credits: http://morguefile.com/

You’ve probably heard the phrase, “kids say the darnedest things”.  While usually they’re funny, they often carry with them a very profound message.  For example, the other day, my grandsons were playing in the backyard in the sprinkler.  The youngest one Carmine, came to sit with me on the porch.  His brother Antonio shouted over for him to come join him to which Carmine replied, “I’m chillin’ out, I’ll play with you later.” He had been playing hard all day and it was time for a rest. Hearing this come out of a four year-old’s mouth made me laugh hysterically inside, but it also reminded me of the importance of relaxation.

Most of us have busy daily schedules and understand the importance of slowing down to reduce stress and to recharge,  and this practice is also beneficial when it comes to eating and digestion for a number of reasons:

• Eating slowly, in a relaxed, happy, and calm mood makes the experience more enjoyable which has a direct impact on how our body digests food. For example, emotions such as fear and sadness can slow down digestion and anger and aggression will speed up the process.
• Since digestion begins in the mouth, eating slowly by chewing well means that our stomach will have less work to do to break down a meal and ensures that we absorb as many nutrients as possible.
• Eating slowly will allow us to eat less.  Because it takes ~20 minutes for the brain to send a signal that we are full, by eating fewer bites, we can feel satisfied with less food.
• Rest and relaxation after a meal will give our bodies the opportunity to digest food properly, since some of our blood supply must be redirected from our muscles to the gut for digestion.
• High levels of stress produce excess cortisol, which can hinder digestion.  In addition, a lack of sleep will raise cortisol levels, which can, in turn, inhibit sleep, leading to a vicious cycle.   This lack of sleep can actually lead to weight gain.
• Excess stress can deplete our feel-good neurotransmitter serotonin.  Ninety percent of our serotonin supply functions in the gut and low levels can lead to digestive problems, including constipation since fear (and anger) are also symptoms of low serotonin levels.

Besides eating slowly, in a relaxed atmosphere, there are a number of tools we can use in between meals to manage our stress and energy levels that will ultimately help with digestion:

Meditation.

Many people meditate first thing in the morning when their minds and the atmosphere are the most quiet.  But anytime throughout the day when you can find a few minutes to close your eyes and try to slow down the mind by either concentrating on your breathing or even visualizing something calming or joyful works wonders. Here’s a very useful one minute meditation technique that, when mastered, can be done even under the most stressful of situations.

Reading. 

Doesn’t it seem like a luxury these days to be able to sit down with a cup of tea and a good book and just read?  It is something to be grateful for and it’s a perfect way to redirect the mind to more calming places.  Books are also a valuable source of thoughts and ideas and can often trigger our own minds to create something new.

Taking a nap. 

While most of us like to reach for the mid-afternoon coffee or sweet, a nap would be far more beneficial.  Fifteen to thirty minutes of sleep would give us a chance to reboot. Sleep is actually one way that we solidify new learning and memories and when our brain does its housekeeping, so naps are a great way to stay sharp and to keep cortisol levels in check, which will also help with weight management.

Pampering.

Nothing can calm the body and mind like getting a massage in a dark room with a few candles and soft, soothing music. Even taking a bath with some Epsom salts and a few drops of lavender oil will soothe the body from the inside out. Both practices are great detoxifications.  Treat yourself when you can.

Walking.

Taking a walk may actually be more doable for people during their workdays.  Although it involves movement, it’s a chance to step away from your work, get some oxygen, get the circulation going, and keep the digestive system moving.  It’s a non-stressful form of exercise that will allow you to return to your workspace relaxed and clearer.

If you don’t now, try to schedule moments of rest and relaxation into your days or weeks. I know that everything mentioned here is obvious and just needs to be put into practice, but life has a way of sometimes making us forget and we just need to be reminded.  Any way you can come up with to slow down and rest on a daily basis will have profound benefits on your digestion, your sanity, and your health.

We live in a society that has a demanding and judgmental attitude toward parents and young children. Often, the attitude toward children in public is that they should be seen and not heard, that the parent should be in control of the child’s behavior, and that children who are having feelings in public are a nuisance. In short, children are not really welcome. Their freshness, curiosity, and frank expression of feelings are not seen as a gift.

In addition, the childrearing tradition that has been handed down to most of us sets us against our children when their behavior isn’t convenient for adults. Others expect us to criticize, use harsh words, punish, isolate, shame, threaten, or physically attack a child who is “misbehaving.” No parent really wants to act like an adversary toward the child he loves. We treat our beloved children in these ways when we can’t think of anything else to do, when we feel very upset, or when we fear the disapproval of others.

You can learn to predict your child’s emotional moments

There are certain situations in which young children often become emotionally charged. These situations include:

•  Being with several people: with the whole family at dinner, at a family gathering, a meeting, a birthday party, the grocery store, church, or temple.
•     Moving from one activity to another: leaving home for day care, leaving day care for home, stopping play for dinner, and going to bed.
•     Being with a parent who is under stress: the parent is cooking, cleaning, shopping, trying to finish a task on time, or is upset because there’s so little help.
•     At the end of any especially close or fun-filled time: after a trip to the park, after a good friend leaves, after wrestling, chasing, and laughing with Mom or Dad.

When children become emotionally charged, they can’t think. They simply can’t function normally. They want unreasonable things, and are unsatisfied with your attempts to give them what they want. They can’t listen, and the slightest thing brings them to tears or tantrums. Your child needs your closeness and patience. They can’t get out of that state without your help.

At times like this your child needs you to set kind, sensible limits and to have you close to him while he bursts out with the intense feelings he has. This spilling of feelings, together with your kind attention and patience, is the most effective way to speed your child’s return to his sensible, loving self. A good, vigorous tantrum or a hearty, deeply felt cry will clear your child’s mind of the emotion that was driving him off track and will enable him to relax again and make the best of the situation he is in.

Your crying child deserves support

Several adjustments of our expectations are necessary before we can let ourselves be on our children’s side as they release pent-up feelings in a public place.

•     We need to remember that every good child has big feelings in public places. This is, for some reason, the way children are built.
•     We need to remember that our society has trained people to disapprove of children doing what is healthy and natural. People disapprove of horseplay, of noise, of exuberance, of too much laughter, of tantrums, of crying, and of children asking for the attention they need. This disapproval is out of line. Children are good. Their needs are legitimate, including the need to offload bad feelings.
•     We need to decide that, as parents, it’s our job to treat our child well. When other adults criticize him, it makes sense to do what we can to continue to treat him with respect. Being a parent means advocating for our children in many settings: with doctors and nurses, with teachers, with relatives, and with strangers.
•     Finally, we need to acknowledge that children legitimately need far more attention than it is comfortable to give. Adults who see childrearing differently, or who got little attention themselves as children, will be upset when they see you giving kind attention to your child. We can expect these upsets, but we don’t have to be governed by them.

So when your child bursts out with feelings, slow down the action, and listen. If getting into the car seat has triggered tears, then stay there, seat belt not yet fastened, and let the tears flow. Listen until he is done. Because of this cry, your whole day and his will improve.

If necessary, you can move to a more socially acceptable place: Go to the back bedroom, or move your grocery cart to a corner of the store. Do this as calmly as you can. Your child isn’t doing anything wrong. He’s following his strong instinct to expel awful feelings so he can function better. He knows what he’s doing. It’s sort of like a car alarm going off accidentally—loud, but not harmful to anyone. You can plan what you will say to people who express their opinions or concern. It’s hard to come up with a comment that says, “We’re OK. Don’t worry,” in the middle of wild things happening, so think ahead. You can adopt some phrase like, “We seem to be having technical difficulties,” “My daughter really knows how to wail,” “It’s that kind of a day,” “After he’s finished, it’s my turn,” or simply, “We’re OK. I don’t think this will last all day.” A comment like this gives the message that you are in charge.

You are a good parent when you get down to eye level with your child, put your arm around him, and say gently, “No gum today, son,” in the market and listen to his tantrum. It’s respectful, the limit is a good one, and he’s recovering his equilibrium as quickly as he can.

You may be able to prevent some public outbursts

Public outbursts are often triggered by all the work we parents do to get our children out of the house in the first place. We have to dress them, gather our things, make phone calls, find lost items, and rush around. By the time we’ve reached a public place, their delicate emotional balance has been thrown off because we haven’t been able to connect well with them. Their minds are full of tension.

Spend one-on-one time with your child before you take him to a public place, so that you and he are connected with each other on the way into a challenging situation. Then, stay connected. Use eye contact, touch, your voice, and short spurts of attention to keep him in the orbit of your love. This contact is deeply reassuring, and can sometimes defuse situations that your child finds difficult.

When you see an upset brewing, make contact right away. See if you can find a way to play, so that your child can laugh. Laughter relieves children’s tensions, and allows them to feel more and more connected. If, when you make contact, your child begins to cry or tantrum, do what you can to allow him to continue. His upset will heal if the feelings are allowed to drain.

Source: http://www.handinhandparenting.org

Excuses and procrastination

Have you ever gone through the scenario of standing in the kitchen after a meal, gazing at stacks of plates and speculating to wash them the next day? I bet this is quite a common scene for many of you. We do not only postpone small tasks like doing the dishes but this also happens with important issues such as preparing a report, going for a periodic visit to the doctor, etc… Thoughts like “I’ll do it tomorrow” or “Right now I do not have enough time / money / desire,” are common to all of us but have you ever thought up to what extent are we accumulating “loose ends” in our lives?

Now the problem that gets created, when we keep on postponing, is not only more work to resolve but also unnecessary worries that occupy our mental space and consume our mental peace. The more we procrastinate (correct term for this “sport”), the less control we have over our lives. Therefore we have less time to do what we want, and feel more stressed in our day-to-day life.”Prayers” or wishes won’t wash the dishes neither “sticking your head in the sand” and waiting, will help in solving the problem. It has been said that “the best place to find a helping hand is at the end of your own arm”. So how to stop procrastinating?

The first step is to prioritize the tasks that are important and / or the ones that have to be completed urgently. (Make a list if needed!)

Once the tasks identified, the second step is to be aware when we are procrastinating (often we do it without realizing it).

After setting our priorities and gaining awareness, it is important to identify the five “classic” excuses we usually use to postpone things:

- The typical “song”: I am very busy and have no time

If you look closely it is an illusion because our time is often occupied by “unnecessary” tasks or non-urgent ones.

- I can do it “whenever I want” (but actually … don’t)

By having thoughts like this, we are minimizing the importance of the task, rating it as simple and hence postpone it consecutively.

- It does not inspire me

To escape any discomfort we say this, as there are tasks that are really annoying to us.

- I do not want to do it

The fear of making mistakes allows comfortable excuses like the above. Instead a more appropriate justification would be “I will fail”.

- Right now I don’t feel like doing it / I’m tired now / it’s raining / it’s not the perfect time.

This is another one of the most typical excuses we usually use.

Once you “catch” yourself procrastinating, the third step is to counter this trend. Here I give you some hints on how to orientate yourself in the right direction:

- The 5 minute tactic: decide to “try out” the task for a short period of time. Many times we get caught in the task and when we realize, it is already finished;
- Small steps: if the task seems too complex, try dividing it into simpler activities, addressing one at a time;
- Public commitment: if we share our goals with others this will help us to be more committed to actually achieve them.

Basically, the main “trick” is …START! Try as hard as you can, not to be “busy getting busy” and for really essential tasks, remember that for every “clean plate” you wash you will be closer to an “immaculate kitchen.”

Now, remember the task (YOUR DISH) that “popped-up” in your mind several times while reading this article? You no longer have any excuses for not doing it next. Go and start it. You will see how it really feels good at the end of the day.

Photo credits: http://morguefile.com/

Rather than think of this as a form of deprivation, as the word diet often does, think of this as an eating style that includes only raw foods or foods that have not been heated above ~115 degrees F so that the nutrients and enzymes are preserved.  There is a large movement around eating raw for many reasons:

• In today’s Western society, processed, cooked foods are blamed for the insidious rise in obesity, type II diabetes, cardiovascular disease, cancer, depression and neurological disorders, and autoimmune diseases.   This is not to say that all cooked foods are leading to these diseases, but in general, the processed foods implicated are cooked.
• There are many reports of people with cancer, diabetes, and the diseases mentioned above that have reversed the symptoms and conditions by adopting a plant-based, mostly raw diet.
• Cooking destroys enzymes and protein, as well as many of the nutrients found in foods in their raw state.  Eating them raw provides high levels of water, fiber, vitamins, minerals, phytochemicals, and active enzymes from living food.
• In addition to the health benefits, many proponents of the raw food diet choose this lifestyle for ethical and environmental reasons.
• Raw foods increase stamina and energy levels, clear skin, improve the condition of hair and nails, and benefit digestion. Incorporating raw foods into the diet will also help slow the aging process.

For many of us, the raw foods in our diet are likely limited to fruits and vegetable-based salads, but for the committed, raw foods can involve elaborate and beautiful dishes that replicate some of their cooked counterparts from every type of cuisine.  This includes raw soups, appetizers, dishes for all three meals, and deserts.  Zucchini can be cut to look like spaghetti, and nuts and seeds can be used to replace dairy products like cheese and sour cream.   Nuts, seeds and herbs can be combined and then dehydrated to replace breads and crackers, and superfoods are frequently included in many recipes to boost the benefits even further.

Is eating a completely raw diet right for everyone?  Not exactly.  There are lots of factors that will influence whether someone can successfully maintain a diet of raw foods.  For example, for those living in a region with changing seasons and climate, it may be more difficult to eat strictly raw into the Winter months, when warming soups and stews can actually be nourishing.   Having access to local fresh fruits and vegetables is also more difficult during these seasons.

In the book The Raw 50 by Carol Alt, Dr. Nicholas Gonzalez explains that some of his patients with serious diseases often tolerate cooked food better in the initial stages of recovery because cooking helps to pre-digest the food, and the nutrients that are lost during the cooking process are made up through supplementation.

Still, if you’re accustomed to eating mostly cooked foods, trying to incorporate more fresh, raw plant foods is a great way to increase the quality of your diet, since you will naturally get more nutrients from these foods.

One of the most common ways to get more raw, living foods into your diet is through juicing.   Juicing extracts the valuable nutrients from the tough cell walls of fruits and vegetables and depending on the juicer used, will include some of the fiber from the plant.  Juicing is beneficial because it partially digests the food, which puts less work on the digestive system and allows the nutrients to be absorbed more easily than from the whole food.  It’s one of the quickest ways to increase energy.   Here is a recipe for a red juice that I like to make that’s sweet and tangy.

This recipe for a raw hummus is made with red lentils that have been soaked and sprouted first, which softens them and starts a biochemical cascade that increases their nutritional value and lowers the levels of naturally occurring toxins in the legumes.

Here is a recipe adapted from Carol Alt’s The Raw 50 for a creamy Cucumber Avocado Soup:

4 large cucumbers, cleaned and peeled
4 celery stalks
1 Haas avocado, peeled and pitted
¼ cup chopped dill
¼ cup fresh-squeezed lemon juice
4 cups purified water
sea salt and pepper to taste

Combine the ingredients in a blend and mix until creamy and smooth.  Garnish with capers, if desired.

Parents are expected to stay “in control” of their lives, their children, and themselves. Some major parts of this expectation are impossible to fulfill! But because there is no way to learn parenting skills and truths ahead of time, we parents struggle and worry when we don’t seem to be “in control,” or when being “in control” means being harsh with our children. Let’s first outline the things no parent can fully control.

• We don’t have full control over our lives. Hard things can happen to us and to our children, and societal oppressions can force us into inhuman circumstances. There are things we can do to try to keep our families healthy, but we don’t have full control there. There are things we can do to be able to pay our bills, but job security and earning worthy wages for working class jobs are not things we alone have the power to determine. We work at building good relationships, but many of us don’t begin with the tools, support, information, or time to solve critical relationship problems. We are also up against racism, drugs, violence, and harshness on the schoolyards and the streets. By ourselves, we and our children are vulnerable to hurt and unforeseen difficulties. To blame ourselves for lack of control makes no sense. The influence we can have when we face these oppression-based or health-based hard times lies in our ability to organize with others to do what’s necessary, WITH LOTS OF HELP.

• We don’t have control over our children’s behavior. We do have deep influence on them. How we love, cherish, and treat our children affects them moment by moment, and for the rest of their lives. But our influence doesn’t mean that we can exert control over how they behave and feel. Nor does it mean that a child whose behavior is difficult comes from a parent who is not trying hard enough, or is not doing the right things. Our children are subject to difficulties because of circumstances beyond our control–their health, accidents, unforeseen encounters with people who don’t care for them well, enormous stress on us, frightening incidents that couldn’t be anticipated. When children are hurt by these kinds of circumstances, their behavior does reflect their fears, and they may be perceived as “difficult.” But this is not the parents’ fault! What’s more, this “off track” behavior is a necessary signal that the child gives that she’s been wounded and needs attention. As difficult as their behavior may be, we parents can be grateful that our children refuse to suffer silently when they feel too isolated or frightened or angry to think.

• In the short run, we sometimes don’t have control over our own behavior. It’s one of the great shocks of parenting to find ourselves yelling at or hurting our beloved children, when we never ever intended to do so. There are things they do that drive us nuts–whining, making messes, fighting with each other, using street language, “talking back” when we’re trying to gain control. We each have our personal thresholds, past which lose power over our own behavior. Usually, we become very like our own parents when they were lost in reaction.

• Finally, we don’t have full control over how other people feel about us or our children. We parents try hard to get our children to meet some unwritten standard of conformity, hoping that if they “act right,” people will like them. In fact, we live in a society in which grownups are taught to see children as “trouble,” “a problem,” “extra work,” “in the way,” and more. This training is widespread, and no matter how fully a child may conform, those attitudes lie under the surface in many people, waiting to be triggered. We as parents need to decide, on our children’s behalf, not to attack our children to please grownups who only accept children if they act like little adults. Even a child’s best behavior can’t cure that kind of hostile attitude. So if your child is having a healthy tantrum in front of a relative who is loudly demanding that you be harsh to her, you can simply move to a back bedroom to handle the situation, taking the time you need. Being harsh to your child on someone else’s demand won’t help your self-respect, it won’t change that grownup’s bias against your child, and it sets you against the child you love dearly.

The Goal of Being a Learner

I think goals that we parents can reasonably set for ourselves are:

• To enjoy our children

• To learn something every day

• To treat ourselves and our children like learners.

Deciding to be a learner can help take the internal pressure off of us, and off of our children. Learners have permission to make lots of mistakes, learners get to ask for help, learners often don’t know what to do or how things work. Best of all, learners get to laugh (or cry) when their project turns upside down and flops in front of everyone. We understand. This is learning.
If we are learning, then we know how to be in charge of some things, and we are figuring all the rest of it out in a sometimes messy, haphazard way. As parents, some “I’m learning, not controlling” strategies can be immensely helpful.

• Actively notice what’s fun, what’s good, what is working well. Our minds get so fixed on the tasks at hand that we lose sight of who we like, what goes well, and the little things we learn. It may help to put a list on the refrigerator or the bathroom mirror, where a few words of what was good each day can be written down for all to see. Some families start dinner with a round of “what was good today?” so that the children get to join in, and have the chance to have the whole family listen to their experience.

• Welcome your children’s feelings. Feelings are a big part of children’s lives, and expressing these feelings is how children recover from the hard things, big and small, that happen to them. Crying, tantrums, and laughter all are deeply healing for children. Expressing these emotions at length gets rid of children’s feelings that their lives aren’t good enough. When they’re finished, they regain their sense of loving and being loved. It helps if you can get close and listen to them through the stormy upsets, but if you can’t, see if it’s possible to keep from criticizing, shaming, hurting, or blaming them while they get the sad or the mad feelings out.

• Find a listener for your own feelings. We mothers and fathers have lots of feelings, too, which we have been taught to tuck away as if they didn’t exist. Matter of fact, tucking away feelings is equated to being “in control” of our lives! The problem is that feelings don’t tuck well forever. Our worries, our frustrations, our angers mount, we spend more and more effort tucking them away, and finally, they burst out when some small thing goes wrong. Often, they burst out at our children in ways we regret later. Finding another parent and setting up listening time over the phone or after the children are asleep can help relieve the burden that our feelings create. A good laugh, a good cry, a good rant about how many expectations we’re trying to meet can do a lot to lighten our step and help us remember that we are good, no matter how many mistakes we make or how many answers we don’t have at the moment.

• Notice what you can’t figure out, and talk to others about it. There are probably 50 things a day that happen in a parents’ life that he or she doesn’t understand! Why won’t your child willingly brush her teeth? Why is she scared of the dark? Why does your pre-teen suddenly think you’re the dorkiest person he ever knew? Being open about what we don’t know is an excellent learning strategy. It makes us active seekers of information and understanding. And it’s also fine to be open with our children when we don’t know what to do. “I don’t know what to do about you refusing to help around the house. I’m thinking about it. Can we talk about it tomorrow, after I’ve called a couple of people to see if they have any good ideas?” is a fine approach to a problem with a child.

• Organize help. We are trained to believe that asking for help is admitting weakness. However, there are many kinds of work which are not designed for one person to do alone. Building bridges, operating a supermarket, providing intensive care nursing, and raising children are the kinds of work that can be done well only with several people organized to work toward a common purpose. When we gave birth to our children, most of us had no idea that organizing help was part of a parents’ job description. We learn this, usually, by getting burned out trying to do it all ourselves, then feeling badly that we’ve had to “stoop” to asking for help. But any experienced parent can reassure you that every parent needs time away from their children, every parent needs others to care about their children, every parent needs people to think and talk with about the details of life with children. Every parent needs help!

• Throw expectations overboard. When you’re working too hard to appreciate yourself or anyone else, throw an expectation overboard. Let the house be a mess for a couple of weeks or months or years, or don’t worry about serving hot meals, or let the relatives be grumpy because you decided not to visit this month, or sleep during your lunch break, even though people at work will talk. You get to decide what’s really necessary and what’s not, and keeping up appearances while parenting is often a joy-killer. You have permission to let things get ragged, and still be proud of yourself, your family, and your decisions.

• Set up play that includes laughter. Children love to laugh, and when we are willing to play with them so they can laugh (without tickling them!), they become buoyant and hopeful. It’s infectious. We see them wriggling with enjoyment, coming toward us for fun and lots of contact, and we can’t help but be pleased. Our empty cup meant for hope begins to fill again. We have lots to learn from children about how a really good life has time for play, wrestling, chasing, where the grownups may “lose,” but everyone wins back their sense that it’s good to be alive.

• When you’re at your wits’ end, lie down on the floor for awhile. When we’re frazzled, the things we do aren’t usually very successful. Our children’s tensions and our tensions make a knot that keeps tangling tighter. At times like these, if we “give up” for 10 or 15 minutes, and lie down on the floor, it provides enough of a contrast to the previous tense situation that we and our children can take a fresh start with each other. Sometimes we can give ourselves permission to cry, which helps release tension. Sometimes, our children come around and decide they want to be close. They sit on our tummies, or crawl under our legs, or start jumping over us for fun. Having given up the effort to be in control, we can begin to pay attention to how things are, rather than the way we want them to be. Without the effort to stay in control, it’s often more possible to make workable decisions, and to like the children we have again.

Source: http://www.handinhandparenting.org